I just wanted him to like me more, so I just did what he asked. In the dark church basement, I granted his wish and pleasured him. I did what he asked, with no questions asked: yet I never expected that I would want to kill myself later on. I knew that I was wrong for what I did, but I liked him. Sometimes you have to do what you feel is right, even if you know it is the wrong thing to do. On March in 2007, my life was changed forever.
As I pleasured Jay, all I could think was “Please, no one come in and see me like this”. The deed was done in a matter of minutes and as the church basement door closed: there was a light shining where I had just finished with Jay. I went one way and he went the other way. The following week I was approached by Tony who asked me “Did you have oral sex with Jay in the church basement?” No but the rumor had already worked its way around the youth in the church. It was only a matter of time before I would be out casted and humiliated by many. One girl in particular named Emily was the ringleader of my personal yet public pain. She made it her mission to humiliate me every chance she got.
Although, Jay lied and stated that we did not do anything: the rumor had gone too far for anyone to listen to us. Then, Jay and his mother moved to another state, and I had to deal with the cruel jokes, disapproving stares from strangers, and more. However, when it reached my mother ears, I wanted to die immediately from the look on her face. I cried and cried until my soul could not bear it anymore. I had the knife in my hand and as the night casted darkness in my room: I clutched the knife and started cutting away at my left arm, trying to hit the main veins to die quicker. Left then right in a zombie state: I cried as the knife cut away at my flesh, yet it comfort me to think “everyone hates me anyhow” as Emily proclaimed so I might as well kill myself and life easier for everyone. I kept cutting until my arms got tired and waited slowly for death to come. Yet, it never did: and I guess I was granted a chance to start over from God and I ran with that chance.
I never look back and although sometimes I wanted to humiliate Emily for what she did to me, I took the situation as a lesson learned and move on. I resented her and all the supposed friends who I thought were caring and there for me through thick and thin: but I just learned I can’t trust people and this world is a “cruel cold world”. Five years later, I hold my head proud because I had my highs and lows, and now I can truly say that I will never “ let them see me sweat” because I Melissa will be better than any one of those hurtful females whose daily dose of torment and torture nearly destroyed me.
Editor's note: "Black American teens, especially females, may be at high risk for attempting suicide even if they have never been diagnosed with a mental disorder, according to researchers funded in part by NIMH. Their findings, based on responses from adolescent participants in the National Survey of American Life (NSAL), provide the first national estimates of suicidal thoughts and behaviors (ideation) and suicide attempts in 13- to 17-year-old black youth in the United States. The study was published in the March 2009 issue of the Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry.
Suicide is the third leading cause of death in all teens in the United States, according to the National Center for Health Statistics. Historically, black teens and young adults have lower suicide rates than white teens, but in recent decades, the suicide rate for black youth has increased dramatically." Excerpt from the National Institute of Mental Health (http://www.nimh.nih.gov/science-news/2009/black-teens-especially-girls-at-high-risk-for-suicide-attempts.shtml)